


love is such a tremendous force of feeling

by lavenderlotion



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Erik Lehnsherr Loves Charles Xavier, First Kiss, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Telepathy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:54:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21665512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lavenderlotion/pseuds/lavenderlotion
Summary: Maybe he had drunk a little more than he had thought, or maybe he was just more in love with Erik than he had realized. No matter which it was, he didn’t listen to every bit of logic that was telling him not to anything of the sort, and he let his mind open to Erik’s for the first time that evening.
Relationships: Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier
Comments: 18
Kudos: 138
Collections: Secret Mutant Madness 2019





	love is such a tremendous force of feeling

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [kianspo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kianspo/pseuds/kianspo) in the [secret_mutant_madness_2019](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/secret_mutant_madness_2019) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
> "You want to know what the problem is?" Charles snaps. "Fine. I'm in love with you. That's it. That's the problem. Tell me, how are you going to fix _that_ , Erik? Go ahead, dazzle me with your brilliant plan. I'll wait."
> 
> As fluffy or as angsty as you want. ;)

Charles kept his eyes on the chessboard as Erik made his move. The stem of his wine glass was held tightly between his fingers. Blinking, he imagined snapping it in half with his hand so he could plunge the jagged edge into Erik’s throat. Bloody hell, that was a rather dark and melodramatic thought, wasn’t it? 

Sighing heavily, Charles considered giving up his drink for the evening. He took his eyes from their game to focus on his cup, and swirled the ruby liquid as he contemplated taking another sip. He certainly wasn’t inebriated yet—Heavens, he was barely even intoxicated! With a decisive nod to his own thoughts, he took a long pull of wine, letting it rest on his tongue before swallowing it down. 

“Your turn.” Erik’s voice shattered through the calm Charles had only just achieved mere moments ago, and he looked up from his drink with a heavy frown weighing down his lips. He tried his very best to turn it into a smile when Erik gave him a look which Charles read as concern from the drip of his brow alone, but found it falling flat. 

_ “Is it _ my turn, Erik?” Charles asked heavily. They both knew that he wasn’t asking what he was really asking. Or did they? So much of their communication was done in subtleties, as it had to be, to be safe. Or so Charles had thought. Maybe Charles was the one who was in the wrong. Maybe Erik didn’t know what it was to be queer, didn’t know the language they were forced to use, or the riddles they talked in to keep themselves safe. 

Maybe, though Charles found it rather unlikely—he  _ was _ a telepath after all—he had read Erik’s intent wrong and none of their flirting  _ had _ been flirting. Maybe they really had just been playing chess for all these weeks. Perhaps, to Erik, it all meant nothing. It was a likely enough explanation that Charles chuckled darkly, even as he studied the chessboard and made his move. 

“Charles...” Erik began, trailing off into nothing. Usually, Charles would pick up his stray thought and finish it. Not tonight. Not after what Erik had done and who he had done it with. 

Yes, maybe murdering him was a little far, but maiming...no. Heaven’s no. Charles could not even entertain the thought of hurting another like that, and he fell back against his seat with a sick noise at having even entertained the idea for a brief moment. Erik had already been through so much, had been hurt by so many—good God. Charles felt his eyes began to sting, just like they had when earlier he had felt Erik’s mind projecting heavily enough that Charles dove in before he even considered staying out. 

During their time together, tucked away on the road and then in Charles’ private study, he had gotten so very comfortable with Erik’s mind that he thought nothing of constantly dipping in. He knew the other man didn’t mind; he even enjoyed it at times—there was a reason Erik had expected Charles to carry on with his sentence, after all. 

So earlier Charles had slipped right into Erik’s mind without a single thought that perhaps he shouldn’t, and then he had been kissing his sister. 

Goddammit, Charles was going to cry again, wasn’t he? Pressing his fingers to his eyes, Charles squeezed the bridge of his nose tightly and focused on using the bite of pain to quell the urge for tears. Hours earlier, when he had suggested that Erik meet him that night for a game of chess, bodies closer than they had any right to be, the air seemingly charged between them, he certainly hadn’t imagined it going like this. 

“Charles, please, whatever is wrong?” Erik’s voice was pleading. Charles had never heard him sound like that, and it bothered him. Only now, after Erik had...done what he had done, could he show Charles weakness? After everything they had been through, everything they had done together and said to one another, how was it  _ Raven _ Erik chose to pull him from himself, and allowed him to be open in a way he never had before? 

Oh dear. Well, Charles was certainly not going to let Erik see him cry. He looked up towards the ceiling, hoping gravity would help his rapidly welling eyes, before reaching for his wine and taking another long pull. “Nothing is wrong at all, Erik.”

“That can’t be true,” Erik said insistently. Charles huffed and rolled his eyes.

“It can’t? I believe I’m quite fine. Perhaps it is you who is truly bothered, no?”

“Charles please, I just wish to know what I did.”

“Why  _ ever _ would you think you had done something to bother me, Erik?”

“Oh please. You’ve barely looked at me once this whole game!”

Charles levelled him with a flat, miraculously dry, glare and asked, “I am looking at you right now, am I not?”

Erik sighed heavily, and there was a touch of annoyance to the sound that nearly sent Charles into hysterics. Oh, so  _ Erik _ was annoyed, was he? Well, he could be as annoyed as he wanted at Charles’ emotions. At least Charles hadn’t  _ fucked his sister.  _

Oh Lord. There was no help for it now, he really was crying. 

“You want to know what my  _ problem _ is?” Charles snapped, jumping to his feet and throwing out his arms. His wine flew over the edge of his glass but he didn’t care. Anger was better than despair. “Fine, you insufferable fool! I am in love with you. That’s it. That is the problem, don’t you see? Now tell me, Erik, how are you going to fix that?” Silence rang out through the room, and Charles let his wine glass drop from his hand and shatter against the hardwood. It was rather satisfying, and he found he understood why his mother had thrown so many glasses during her days. “Go ahead, my friend. Dazzle me with your brilliant plan, I seem to spend all my bloody time waiting around for you as it is.”

“Charles, do you really...” Erik’s voice sounded wrecked. When Charles forced himself to look back at him, his face looked as though he were in excruciating pain. It tugged at Charles’ heart and made him want to crawl straight into his lap until he stopped looking like that, but he didn’t.

Instead, he said, “Oh give it up!” His words were angry and bitter, but so was he. “You didn’t seem too upset while you were sticking your tongue my sister’s throat. Hell, do I even want to know where  _ else _ you stuck your tongue?” By the end of his little rant, Charles was crying once more.

“Charles—” Again, Erik seemed not to have the strength to go on. He stood as well, but while Charles was standing as if ready to attack, Erik was standing as if preparing to take a blow. The sight caused some of the anger to leak out of him, and he let his arms relax down to his sides from where he was still holding them in the air after quickly wiping the tears from his cheeks. “Charles, I kissed Raven so she would know someone  _ could _ while in her natural skin, not because I wanted her. I don’t want Raven, my friend.”

Charles let out a bitter laugh that burned out of his throat. It seemed impossible to believe with what he had witnessed, with the  _ affection _ that Erik had felt when kissing her. Charles found that Erik’s words meant very little when he was so perfectly able to remember the moment. “I see. And that is why you were so late joining me? Later than you have ever been a single night since that first one when you hadn’t thought my invitation was sincere?”

“Are you in my head again?” Erik asked, but there was no bite to his words. Charles felt like that should matter, but he was too busy crying to try to sort out why. 

“Of course I’m not! I left your head the moment you decided to fuck my sister and I haven’t let myself near it since.”

“Maybe you should be,” Erik dared him with a heavy look on his face and intense eyes. Well, Erik’s eyes were  _ always _ rather intense, but the way he was looking at Charles now made him feel like Erik was seeing right into his soul. It felt strange to be seen in such a way, when Charles was always the one doing the seeing. 

“What?” Charles asked, a thread of uncertainty raising from somewhere in his heart. It was the same spot that had held Erik since the very first moment that Charles delved into his mind. It was a spot that felt incredibly tender at the moment, sore with heartache, but beating strong enough to still hope. 

“Come into my mind, Charles. I am not sure what you saw when Raven was in my room, but whatever it was wasn’t what you thought. And I was late, my friend, as I had been getting ready to see  _ you _ before I was interrupted and I needed more time to finish getting myself ready.” 

Charles took a very deep breath and wiped at his face one last time, feeling more than a little ridiculous for crying, as Erik kept steadily looking at him. Maybe he had drunk a little more than he had thought, or maybe he was just more in love with Erik than he had realized. No matter which it was, he didn’t listen to every bit of logic telling him not to do anything of the sort, instead letting his mind open to Erik’s for the first time that evening. 

Brushing against Erik’s mind felt like coming home. After the time they had spent together, Charles knew Erik so, so well. Perhaps that was why his moment with Raven had been so very hurtful. Perhaps it was because Charles thought he knew what type of man Erik was and his kissing Raven would have destroyed Charles’ perception of him. For someone that was so rarely wrong about a person, it had been a staggering and wholly unpleasant moment for him. 

Now, he pushed that all away and focused on Erik’s mind. It was drawing him in, urging him closer, and for the very first time a mind  _ welcomed  _ him into its embrace. It was unlike anything Charles had ever felt, and it was impossible to keep his eyes open when faced with such a feeling. Impossible to do anything other than sway forward as he nearly lost his footing. 

Erik was there, though. His hands were very warm when they slipped under Charles’ dress shirt and sweater—and perhaps Erik wasn’t the only one who had dressed up, even if Charles hadn’t realized he was doing so—to press against his hips bones. They dug into his skin in a way that caused him to shiver, even as he slipped deeper within Erik’s conscious and let himself become immersed in  _ Erik. _

God, it was a beautiful place. Erik was a man who held so much anger born from more pain than any one person should have ever had to face. Not only had Erik lived through it all, but he had  _ thrived _ and was a better man than even he knew. Perhaps  _ that _ was why Charles had been so hurt, because he thought that he had fallen in love with a  _ good man _ only to...

Well, only to nothing. Charles let out a sob as he rocked forward. His forehead pressed against Erik’s cheekbone. Erik’s hands moved from his hips to wrap him in his arms and Charles let himself go lax, safe within the hold, trusting without a single thread of doubt that Erik would hold him up, as Charles was too busy reliving the moment wherein Eric had found Raven in his rooms. 

Charles watched through Erik’s eyes and felt Erik’s thoughts as the interaction played out. At the word perfection, Charles found he felt rather like his heart was going to split in two only for Erik to immediately think of the gentle brush of Charles’ telepathy, how it felt otherworldly to have him in his mind, how, for Erik, it felt like he never had to be alone as long as Charles was there next to him.

Without a single thought, Charles’ hands moved to splay his fingertips against Erik’s jaw. The skin was rough with stubble, a look that Charles rather appreciated, and which he liked the feel of. It was very clear to him now that he had reacted over nothing—Erik loved Raven, yes, but it was the same way that Charles did. He loved her like a younger sister, which warmed Charles’ heart more than anything else ever had before. 

“I love you,” Charles said again, far softer than his earlier explosion. When he finally pulled back, he found that Erik’s eyes were wet. Charles thumbed the skin beside his eyes and gently swept the thin skin beneath them before he asked, “My friend, what is wrong?”

Erik laughed roughly, and he projected the memory of him asking Charles just that mere minutes ago. To Charles, it seemed like that had all happened a lifetime ago. 

“Nothing is wrong, Charles,” Erik told him just as softly. Their faces were so close together that Charles could feel Erik’s every breath against his nose. Under the heavy scent of Erik’s favourite gin there was the minty scent of toothpaste, which he must have used right before coming over to Charles’ room. Charles grinned, projecting the scent along with the word  _ cheeky, _ just to see Erik’s grin widen. 

“Nothing is wrong,” Erik told him again, his arms tightening ever further around him. Charles didn’t protest, especially when their chests brushed together. “Everything is very right, in fact, I am just so,  _ so _ happy to hear that. I love you too, Charles.”

Charles pressed his palm to Erik’s cheek, but it was clear from Charles’ awareness of him that he was not done. Rather than speaking, he sent Erik exactly how those words made him feel, the joy and elation and the longing, all mixing together with something that Charles hadn’t ever felt for anyone but Erik, but he was certain it was love. 

“I never thought that I would,” Erik continued, a tear slipping from his eye that Charles quickly wiped away. “I never thought that I would love  _ anyone _ again. But Charles—you’ve given me that. You’ve given me a family. For that alone, I would love you, but I love you because you are the kindest and most incredible man that I have ever met. I want to stay by your side, Charles. Always.”

He had always known Erik to be a man of extremes. This, his speech that was edging dangerously close to something Charles knew they were not ready for, but that he would say yes to no matter what, was making his heart feel too big for his body. He felt his love for Erik and felt Erik’s love for him, and he could truly not say who felt more, for they felt it differently but with equal intensity. 

“I don’t need Shaw,” Erik told him fiercely. Charles let his eyes fall closed as he tipped their foreheads together, a buffer against the way his heart felt as if it were being hollowed out and filled with nothing but his love for Erik. “I don’t need Shaw because I have  _ you,  _ and you have given me more than anything he has ever taken from me.”

“Oh Erik,” Charles breathed, finally, finally leaning in to brush their lips together. Without moving back, he said, “I love you so much. Erik, so, so much.”

They kissed again, and again, and for the rest of the night, they lied together in Charles’ bed and kept kissing. They pressed words of love into each other’s skin and promised themselves with their touch and their bodies. And, when morning came, the light from Charles’ window spilled over their tangled forms, and they both knew there was nothing they would not do to keep this, always. 

**Author's Note:**

> ahh i love this one a lot :)
> 
> comments and kudos are much appreciated!


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